When a couple can identify this dynamic, they can work on the issue of caring, listening to each other’s pain by engaging in short conversations at appropriate times. They will, at times, choose to silence a partner with violence rather than witness emotional vulnerability. Many men never want to feel helpless or vulnerable. Usually, partners who are unable to respond compassionately when hearing us speak our pain, whether they understand it or not, are unable to listen because that expressed hurt triggers their own feelings of powerlessness and helplessness. It is emotionally devastating when the partners we have chosen will not listen. “Those of us who were wounded in childhood often were shamed and humiliated when we expressed hurt. Before we discuss some tips on listening empathetically, here is a passage from her book that discusses the importance of listening in relationships and why we may sometimes experience a lack of empathic listening:
In her book, All About Love: New Visions, bell hooks highlights empathic listening as a primary tenet for cultivating love. You sense, you intuit, you feel” (Covey, 1989). You use your right brain as well as your left. Covey says, “In empathetic listening, you listen with your ears, but you also, and more importantly, listen with your eyes and your heart.
Level 3: Selectively listening to what they’re saying.Level 2: Pretending to listen to the person.Level 1: Ignoring the other person entirely.What he means by this is that the primary concern should be to make the other person feel as though they’re understood before we think about how we’re going to reply to what they said.Ĭovey breaks down what he believes are different levels of listening: Of the seven habits, the fifth habit states, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” (Covey, 1989).
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